NINJA STICKER C/O WOODY AND RIZZUTO
401 S. 18th St
St. Louis, MO 63103
SO…THIS “DUDE” NAMED AARON CALLED IN AND TOLD US ABOUT HIS FIRST TIME. WOW – IT’S AWESOME!
WHO FRIGGIN CARES: In a new survery people were asked which form of communication they’d use to try to reach their loved ones. Phone call, text, or social media. 47% of people said phone…45% said social next working. And only 8% said they’d use a text…even though that would probably be the most reliable form of communication in a disaster.
Today’s Anthem:Scott Stapp
Here is today’s DISCOUNT NEWS. Remember – these stories may be a few days old…but if you haven’t heard it – it’s news to you!
- Does this dude have a drinking problem? Yes! A dude was in a hospital after he downed six 13 oz bottles of hand sanitizers! He wound up with almost 5 times the legal limit. Well – now…all hand sanitizer bottles must be bolted to walls so they can only be refilled and never removed.
- Reps Ron Paul and Barney Frank introduced a bill yesterday that would end the federal ban of marijuana. They’re proposing that states make their own laws regarding weed – and it would allow people to grow and sell pot in the states that make it legal. Now – before you “glaucoma sufferers” get too excited…it’s HIGHLY unlikely.
- Some dude in Sweden bought some pot for around $15 bucks. Cops swarmed in and busted the guy. However – they didn’t arrest him. Why? It wasn’t pot it was an actual BAG OF GRASS…from your lawn. IDIOT!
- Cops went to pull over a guy who was standing on the passenger seat of a moving vehicle the guy standing got nervous. He grabbed a small bag of pot and threw it out the window…where it stuck to the cops windshield. FAIL!
- Finally – a dude was sitting in a drive thru at McDonald’s when he decided he wanted to fire up a joint. One problem…there was a cop right behind him. The cop smelled the pot and pulled the dude over. He was arrested. McFail!
- Cards got the win over the Phillies last night 12-2….Chris Carpenter? It’s his first win in almost 6 WEEKS! Cards take on the Blue Jays tonight at Busch at 7:15pm.
- The Manager for the Washington Nationals – Jim Rigglemen he quit yesterday even though the team is on fire. He says it’s because he’s pissed the team isn’t working with him on renewing his contract. He says he doesn’t want to QUOTE “Be a placeholder.”
- Ron Artest? Douchebag. This a-hole is officially changing his name to Metta World Peace. He’s gonna rock “PEACE” on the back of his jersey next year. And for those keeping score, “METTA” is some Buddhist word for KINDNESS.
- And finally – RAHEEM BROCK . . . a defensive end for the Seattle Seahawks . . . was arrested in Philly the other night for skipping out on a $27 bar tab. Although he didn’t get physical with the cops, they say he wasn’t very cooperative. Oh… by the way . . . Raheem recently signed a 5-year contract worth $23.6 million.
- Oprah said that she believes that O.J. Simpson WILL confess to her that he killed Nicole Brown Simpson. Well – the National Enquirer is now reporting that this is going to happen. It’s the National Enquirer….so don’t take anything to heart…but they claim O.J has said she killed her in self defense.
- Lindsay Lohan won’t be going to jail for an alcohol violation. Apparently all she needed to do was test till February and didn’t need to take it. The judge said she’s not allowed to have parties and must only have one friend over.
WOODY’S SARCASTIC PICK OF THE WEEKEND:
Mindy Kaling is 32
Angela Kinsey is 40
Ricky Gervais is 50
Nick Offerman is 41
Jeff Cohen is 37
Michael Vick 31
Chris Isaak is55
Jason Schwartzman is 31
Dikembe Mutombo is 45
Carly Simon is 66
Jimmie Walker is 64
Chris O’Donnell is 41
Mick Fleetwood is 69
George Michael is 48
Nadia Styles – 29 – Today’s bday bitch has been packed more than the Cheese Cake Factory on a Friday Night in 238 Fine Films including:
– Extreme Ahole Makeover
– Butt Munchers
– Mad At Daddy 3
– Romantic Rectal Reaming
– Grand Theft Anal
– Diesel Dongs Vol 2
– Oops I Squirted
– Honey We Blew Up Your Vagina
– Anal Hell Vol 3
– The Bad News Bitches
– 12 Nasty Latin Girls Masturbating
– Sack the Wetback
A dude was in a McDonalds drive thru and got pissed at another driver. Reports say that it left ketchup and cheeseburger pieces on the other guys truck. According to the police…this dude told them, “That nagger pissed me off. So I threw a cheeseburger at his truck. If I havta to go to jail, I will.” Wow…total hooshe!
FRIDAY FAIL STORIES
– An Alton dude broke into an Ameren substation stealing some copper wire. At some point – he cut a 30,000 volt power line. People found him screaming and yelling naked.
– A girl tried to keep her family from putting down the family dog. She stole her parents minivan and with a friend, took the dog and drove away. Well – the friend started driving and she crashed the car killing the DOG….and THE GILR! FAIL!
– Last week – a dude in Florida was cleaning an infection on his foot while sitting on the bed. And this idiot was smoking. Apparently he was smoking – his sheets went up in flames when the cigarette lit up the rubbing alcohol. FAIL! The whole house burnt down.
– What an a-hole this guy is…. A 59 year old dude from North Carolina said he robbed a bank of $1 and waited for cops to get there just so he could go to prison and receive health care. He was hoping to get convicted and then put into the system to have a growth in his chest and two ruptured discs fixed. He walked into the bank, hand the teller a note that demanded $1 dollar and that he had a gun. He was unarmed when cops showed up and saw him just chillin’ on a couch. Here’s what the dude had to say: QUOTE “I’m sort of a logical person and that was my logic. If it is called manipulation, then out of necessity because I need medical care, then I guess I am manipulating the courts to get medical care.” He was charged with larceny and held on $2,000 bond. His court date is for later this month. Here’s the ultimate fail…there was FREE HEALTH CARE LITERALLY 2 BLOCKS AWAY FROM THE BANK!
– A co-host on the “Today” show in Australia got to interview the Dalai Lama and for some reason he decided to share his favorite Dalai Lama joke. It was extremely awkward. What a retard.
– A guy on his way to court for reckless driving was searching for his attorney’s phone number while driving…and got into a head-on collision. FAIL!
– A 53 year old dude went and rode his bike to a 77 year old womans house. He held her a knife point and raped her. During the rape…he said he didn’t feel good and passed out..and died! He was a registered sex offender for previous offenses with kids…He’s an IDIOT! AND GOD WILL ALWAYS EFF YOU UP!