Maybe you have the perfect plan. It was set and good to go. Then all of sudden, almost out of no where, MEGA….UBER….ULTRA….FAILLLLL! You can read the stories, hear the audio, and watch the videos of ALL the FRIDAY FAIL STORIES!  Plus, listen to Rizz and his “voice of an angel” sing the Friday FAIL THEME SONG! It’s glorious!


LOCAL FAIL: Four harbor seals were being transported from Canada to the Saint Louis Zoo to be a party of a new exhibit.  Two of the seals died in transit…a third seal died on Wednesday.  Cause of death won’t be known for a couple weeks…FAIL!

On Tuesday, 51-year-old Cynthia Ann Creed was doing jury duty at the Harris County Courthouse in Houston, Texas.  She wanted to get out of it, so she texted a friend, quote, “Call the courthouse.  Tell them there is a bomb.  Pleeese.”  That’s p-l-e-e-e-s-e, by the way. Her friend got the text and misinterpreted it . . . she thought Cynthia was telling her there WAS a bomb at the courthouse, and was asking for help.  So the friend called the cops. About 13 minutes after Cynthia sent the first text, she wrote “Just kidding” . . . but it was too late.  By that point the building was being cleared out, and the cops and bomb-sniffing dogs had been sent in. Cynthia was arrested for giving a false report.  A police spokesman said, quote, “I don’t know what she was thinking.  This is the kind of thing you expect from a 17-year-old teenager, not a 51-year-old woman.” The strangest part of all?  Cynthia sent the text as she was being DISMISSED from jury duty.  Apparently she didn’t realize she didn’t even NEED the bomb threat to get out.


40-year-old Kalpeshkumar Patel of High Springs, Florida used to work at a Chevron station but ended up getting fired.  And he DIDN’T take it well. So he came up with a mind-bogglingly dumb plan.  On Monday, he went back to the station, poured gasoline on his body, then planned to use himself as a HUMAN TORCH to burn the station down.  Yes, he was going to LIGHT HIMSELF ON FIRE. But . . . his brilliant plan fell apart after he covered himself in gas, then realized he didn’t have matches or a lighter.  He tried to get someone to lend him a lighter, but no one would. Before he could find one the cops came and arrested him for attempted arson.  He’s being held without bond.


Is it okay to laugh at someone for GETTING SHOT if they don’t die AND the shooting is spectacularly ironic?  I’m going to say YES, it’s okay. 39-year-old Raymond Dolin of West Virginia has been hitchhiking across the country, writing a travel memoir called “The Kindness of America”.  On Saturday, he was hitchhiking off the side of Highway 2 near Glasgow, Montana.  Around 6:00 P.M., a man drove up in a maroon pickup truck . . . and SHOT HIM.  That’s right:  The man who’s hitchhiking across the country to prove how kind Americans are ended up getting shot in a random drive-by.  In MONTANA. Raymond was able to flag down another driver for help.  He was taken to the hospital where he’s still recovering.  The gunshot wound wasn’t fatal. The police were able to track the pickup and they arrested the driver, 52-year-old Charles Danielson the Third, from Washington state.  He was drunk at the time of the shooting, but didn’t know Raymond and didn’t have any motive to shoot him. There’s no word on when Raymond’s book is going to come out . . . or if he’s rethinking the title.


Last week, a 24-year-old man from New York was at a Walmart in Loudoun County, in northern Virginia . . . and stole some jeans and headphones.  When he left the store, his friend, 46-year-old Robert Lyons, was waiting outside with the getaway car . . . a 1994 Ford F150.  But as they tried to drive off, the truck’s muffler dislodged.  They pulled behind the Walmart so the 24-year-old could fix it. In the process, he shouted at Robert to drive . . . Robert did, and accidentally RAN HIM OVER. The man was hospitalized and is in critical condition.  Walmart decided not to press charges against him . . . probably because they were afraid of how it would look to pursue robbery charges against a guy dying in the hospital. Robert was arrested and charged with reckless driving.


Planning is everything. Just ask the southern New Jersey man whose alleged bank heist was foiled when his getaway car ran out of gas. Vineland police said 32-year-old Steven Mercado entered a city bank Thursday afternoon and handed a teller a note demanding money. The Vineland man, who indicated he had a weapon, police said, then fled to his car with an undisclosed amount of cash as bank employees contacted authorities. Mercado, who had parked at a nearby business, tried to drive away but didn’t get far before running out gas, according to authorities. He then called a cab company for a ride, police said, but was captured just moments after he got out of his vehicle. Mercado was jailed in lieu of $400,000 cash bail. Police said the weapon he had was a garden hose spray nozzle.


Nerve-wracked students often go to extremes around exam time – marathon library sessions, expensive study guides, cheating – but one young man has taken test preparedness to an entirely new level. A highschool student in Kazakhstan printed out a chain of paper filled with more than 25,000 potential test answers and wrapped it around his body before taking a university entrance exam. Shortly after he entered the examination room, university officials discovered the 35-foot-long cheat sheet wrapped around the student’s body.  Officials said that they had noticed him fiddling inside his clothing before the test began. The student has been expelled according to the education authority.

A 27 year old dude was on the 5th floor in a parking garage was learning to ride a motorcycle.  His buddy was walking along side of him teach him what to do.  At some point, the friend told the man to put on the breaks, and the guy hit the the accelerator.  The motorcycle slammed into a nearby wall and he was thrown over the wall and out of the parking garage.  He fell all five floors and DIED at the scene.  FAIL!

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Woody and Rizzuto: Insensitivity Training For A Politically Correct World. Class is in session Mon-Fri 6am-10am (central). Stream live:
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