Today’s DISCOUNT NEWS is all about naked people and whores in the news. A naked dude running from a spider. A fight that goes down between Olive Oil and Lube. HAHA! Plus a sex dungeon is mistaken for a crime and we chat about some naked soccer broads!
I’m not sure if there’s a lesson to be gleaned from this . . . other than maybe you shouldn’t sleep TOTALLY NUDE. Because there’s an outside chance THIS could happen to you. On Tuesday morning, a 20-year-old man from Albion, Illinois was asleep in bed, naked. He woke up and saw a spider in his bed. And he FREAKED OUT. Still half-asleep, he jumped up and sprinted out of the house. He was groggy enough that he didn’t notice his GLASS DOOR was still CLOSED . . . so he plowed right through it. Then he kept on running through town, naked and bleeding. The cops got a few calls about a guy streaking and they tracked him down. A spokesman says they don’t believe there was any alcohol or drugs involved . . . just a tired guy who freaked out when he saw a spider. The man was treated for several cuts to his body from running through the glass door. He’s not looking at any criminal charges.
It CAN’T be good for the delicate pH balance in your lady parts to use cooking condiments during sex, right? Although that might be the LEAST of this woman’s problems. Back on May 30th, 60-year-old Barbara Hall of Port St. Lucie, Florida was having sex with her 45-year-old boyfriend. And she told him to grab some OLIVE OIL to use as LUBE. When he brought it back, she asked him if he’d also brought the PAM cooking spray. But he misunderstood, thought she was asking about a GIRL named ‘Pam,’ and confessed to having an affair with her while they were on a break. THAT led to an argument, and Barbara ended up HITTING HIM repeatedly with the bottle, then throwing it at his head. Barbara was arrested for domestic battery.
There’s a woman in Nordmaling, Sweden named Lena. She’s in her 40s, she has a good job, and she’s a single mother. She’s also a SERIOUS SEXUAL DEVIANT. Apparently, Lena set up her own private S&M DUNGEON in an abandoned military bunker. And she left her ropes, leather bondage items, pulleys, and love toys inside. Well . . . on Friday, two fisherman stumbled onto the bunker, and when they looked inside, they immediately thought it looked like a CRIME SCENE. Basically, Lena’s gear was SO HARDCORE the fishermen thought the bunker was used for sexual torture. So they called the cops. Lena saw a story about it in the local paper, so this week, she went to the cops to admit it was HER sex dungeon. She told them, quote, “I just wanted to test my limits” and says she used to take one guy there after dates. She’s promised to clean up after she uses the bunker for sex in the future.