Hair for hair justice? Two girls, ages 11 and 13, were at a McDonald’s when they approached a three-year-old girl and pretended to befriend her. What they did instead was something a bit more scarring — they chopped off the little girl’s ponytail. The Utah judge offered up a deal in order to take some days off the community service the older girl would have to serve. He called on the mom to cut her daughter’s hair as retribution and she agreed. When the mom went to cut off the hair there was an objection in the courtroom that she wasn’t cutting enough off, so the judge ordered her to cut the whole ponytail. The 11-year-old was ordered to get a haircut at a later point, the catch being that it had to match the judge’s hairstyle.
Of all the excuses you could give if you get caught SELF-PLEASURING . . . this actually might be one of the most believable ones. So good job, 36-year-old Ronald Ayers of Jacksonville, Florida. WE BELIEVE YOU. On Wednesday, Ronald was driving on I-95 near Ormond Beach, Florida when another driver called the cops . . . and said she saw him VIGOROUSLY FONDLING HIMSELF behind the wheel. The cops pulled him over, but Ronald said they had it all wrong. He told them he’s a DRUMMER, and was drumming on the steering wheel while he was in traffic. He let them search his van, and they DID find two wooden drumsticks between the two front seats . . . which they described as, quote, “a natural wood color that closely resembled [Ronald’s] own skin color.” BUT . . . the woman who called the cops SWORE she did not, quote, “mistake the drumsticks for his penis.” So the police ended up arresting Ronald, and he’s been charged with indecent exposure. REMINDS US OF THIS VIDEO!
UPDATE: A man who was intoxicated and masturbating to pornography when he drove a stolen car through the crime scene tape surrounding the homicide of a teen-age boy last year will not have to register as a sex offender. Judge Michael McShane said Friday that he thought mental illness — not sexual motivations — led Kevin Signalness to a new low on April 18, 2011. That’s the night several police officers saw Signalness, 41, plow into the area they had cordoned off to investigate the death of Shiloh Hampton, 14, who had been fatally wounded on a sidewalk in Northeast Portland’s Holladay Park, just south of Lloyd Center shopping mall. When one of the officers confronted Signalness about his masturbation and the pornography on the front passenger seat, Signalness reportedly replied “You caught me red-handed.” Signalness had a blood alcohol level of .02 percent, well below the legal limit of .08 percent. But Signalness also admitted to using methamphetamine and marijuana.